Tag Archives: buddha

Getting on with it

“I never see what has been done; I only see what remains to be done”.

That’s what Buddha said.  He said a lot of wise things but I’m not putting that one at the top of my list.   I’m quite happy to see what has been done.  Let’s rephrase that.  I’m sometimes astonished at what has been done (an not necessarily in a good way).

The daily prompt asks what is our favourite daily ritual.  I reckon anybody who says anything other than “going to bed” is having a laugh.   Can there possibly be anything more delightful than climbing into bed after a long day of doing stuff (and seeing what has been done)?

I love my bed.   I climb in and lay back and review the day.   If I followed the example of Buddha and thought about what was to be done tomorrow then I’d still be awake when it is time to get up (although regular visitors  may remember this) and that would never do.   The problem is that during my slumbery (I know, it’s not a word yet.   It will be one day) recollections I remember the bad bits rather than the good bits.   I never close my eyes and think “I did a bloody good job there”, it’s more a case of “Oh lordy, why on earth did I say that?”.   It is ridiculous.   It is the mental equivalent of recording a really good film on TV and then fast forwarding through everything except the adverts.

I sometimes read.   Reading relaxes the troubled soul (I bet Mark Twain or someone similar has a great quote along those lines if only I could expend enough energy to go and look in my Oxford book of famous quotations).    I like a book.  I did try reading on my remarkable tablet thingy but it just doesn’t work for me.    With a book I can gradually nod off and let the literature tumble to the floor.    The tablet is certainly robust enough to cope with cascading off the bed but it tends to fall instead onto my chest.  It has this thing whereby it watches your eyes to see if you are looking at it and it senses movement as well.   A very clever idea but what actually happens is I wake up, roll over and the tablet thinks we are ready to go another few chapters so it wakes up as well.   As it has frequently managed to work its way under some part of the bedding (or on one unfortunate occasion the cat) there suddenly appears a ghostly glow and I have to seek it out and turn it off.   It was quite funny when it lit up the cat though.   You haven’t lived until you have seen an illuminated cat anus.

If a book isn’t to hand then a magazine will do.   The Sunday papers come with enough stock to keep me in late evening reading for most of the week.   There’s a problem with this as well though.   I will read part way through an interesting article on something like how Kim Kardashian is liberating children caught up in war torn Syria and doze off.   When I decide to return to the piece later on the magazine has gone.   Honestly, you would imagine that anything lying on my side of the bed was my property until returned to the proper place but it seems that this isn’t the case and half-read papers are fair game to be removed somewhere else.

Never mind though.   I love going to bed.   It is absolutely the best part of day.   Curiously, the second best part of the day is getting up in the morning.   If I could only learn to love the bits in between then I would be a very happy man.



Filed under Getting old

Get Rich. Quick.

I love the spell checker available on mobile phones.   They introduce a randomness to conversations that can take one off in an entirely different direction.  I recently received a text from a friend explaining that they were about to get the ironing board out.  The rather amusing spellchecker on their phone decided to tell me that they were in fact going to get out their intoning board.   Oh what joy!  Let us revel.   I (and a nameless other) are going to be rich.

Ladies and gentlemen.  An offer that you cannot refuse.

Now available by mail order.   Delivered direct to your door.   The opportunity that you have been waiting for.

This once in a lifetime offer is guaranteed to bring peace and tranquility into your life.   Where once you floundered in a sea of confusion, when previously you wrestled with the challenges of modern life.   VerbalHedge Inc. brings you the greatest stress relief system since the invention of the kitten.    Tested rigorously to assure you of quality and approved by international regulators TIPSI we are proud to offer you The Intoning Board.

The Intoning Board will:

  • Provide you with inner peace.
  • Wash away the stress of modern life.
  • Give access to higher plains previously only available to high functioning Swami masters.

Don’t just take our word for it.   Take a look at the quality of our professional level intoning board.

Ironing boardAs you can see it is made from top grade aeronautical level aluminum and comes complete with three different coloured intoning platform covers.   The cover shown (blue) is recommended for those stepping out for the first time into intoning.  More experienced practitioners can choose the yellow (not shown) cover and there is a red drape (not shown) for experts.   We would advise against using the red (not shown) shroud until at after at least eight months on the yellow (not shown) cover.  Additionally, every intoning board is fitted as standard with a special plate suitable for holding vegetable juice (other drinks are also available).

How it works

Developed from an ancient prototype recently discovered deep in the bowels of an ancient monastery in a little explored region of Tibet.    The original board is thought to have been a training tool for Samanera to guide them on their path of Vinaya through to Bhikkhu.   It can perhaps be imagined as the literal interpretation of Buddha’s instructions to “live as an island unto one’s self”.

Each of our intoning boards contains a small piece of the “spirit of life”, previously guarded jealously by a troupe of highly trained and reclusive warrior monks who live on a diet of rose petals brought to them by termites.   This exclusive band only agreed to provide the spirit of life once they were guaranteed access to Sky Sports 1 for two hours every day.

The user of the board lays horizontally on it and focuses their energies directly into the soul of the earth.   Once connection is made then by constant intoning the board gradually becomes entwined with the consciousness of the user and rises up through the seven rings of spirituality (not shown).  The traditional intonation of “ohhhhhhmmm” can be supplemented by use of the free app available to all purchasers of the intoning board (iOS and android only, Blackberry users are beyond help).

Where can I get my Intoning Board?

Intoning boards are available through several different purchase routes.   Call our telesales service centre now on 0800 INTONE or visit our website to get a great deal.    Amazon prime users can benefit from our special Mayan bonus deal that includes a free copy of Mayan prophecies up to and including 2012.

That’s not all!  The first 5,000 lucky purchasers will also receive a free DVD on intoning techniques.  The DVD (narrated by Nirishma Gruntakfrtapriso) features the Minogue sisters demonstrating how to intone to red cover standards in 72 easy steps and has additional footage of NASA space shuttle pilots using their Intoning Boards in zero gravity.

Remember! Everybody who purchases an Intoning Board receives a free app (unless you are on Blackberry) to enhance your intoning experience.

The Intoning Board is available for just three simple monthly payments of £199.   You may return your Intoning Board at any time up to the first three days of use providing it has not been unpacked.    Features and specification may differ from those specified.

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