No responsibility is taken for any injury or illness caused by the making or consumption of these recipes.
Measures are not an option. A shake is roughly a teaspoon full. Everything in the oven is cooked at the same heat. The numbers on the cooker are worn away but if the temperature dial was a clock, off is at 12:00 and really hot is at 10:00. I cook everything at around 7:00. There is a fan thingy in the oven that may or may not make any difference at all.
Robby Fried Chicken
Chicken bits, flour, various spices, milk, garlic, oil
- Put some flour in a cereal bowl. Enough flour to cover all of the bits of chicken that you have.
- Put loads of spices in the flour. I use two shakes of celery salt, ground pepper, oregano and cumin and one shake of salt, cayenne and coriander. Mix it all together and then crush the garlic into it.
- Dip the chicken bits in the milk and then roll them round the cereal bowl. Rub loads of the floury mixture into them. Don’t lick your fingers.
- Fry them in a shallow pan until they go golden. Then lob them in the oven until they look cooked. That’s generally about 30 minutes but if you’ve used the chicken equivalent of king kong it may take longer.
Eat them. You can slice some potato and put it in the oven at the same time. Then you get Robby Fried Chicken flavoured chips as well.
Ingedients: Chicken bits (with no bones), cheese, chilli, onion, garlic,sour cream, random spices, tortilla wraps. Other stuff that you fancy.
- Put the chicken bits into a bowl of boiling water with some chilli powder, cumin, cayenne pepper, salt and simmer for about 15 minutes.
- Chuck in some chillies and some crushed garlic and some chopped up onion. Keep cooking until there is a lot less water than there was to start off with. Turn off the gas.
- Hack the chicken into bits (I think it is called shredding). It is probably best to take the chicken bits out of the pan to do this and then put them back in again.
- Make one of those roux things with some butter and flour and some stock. If you don’t know how to make a roux, ask somebody else to do it.
- Shove some chopped up chillies, more garlic and the sour cream (one of the small containers) into the roux mix. It is now a sauce. If you were temperate enough not to finish a bottle of white wine last night then you can put a splash of that in as well. This gives you the opportunity to drink the rest (from the bottle).
- Wrap the chicken mix in the tortilla wraps. Chuck them in an ovenproof pan. I always forget to grease the pan so you probably don’t need to.
- Pour the sauce over the tortillas.
- Grate loads of cheese over the top of everything
- Lob it in the oven for half an hour.
Eat everything. Wish you had cooked some more.
Ingredients: Cheese, 2 slices of bread, butter or butter substitute
- Slice cheese
- Butter bread
- place cheese between bread
Eat. For added zest put pickle or onion or tomato or cucumber or marmite or salad or anything else in with the cheese.
Ingredients: Noodles, chicken (chopped into strips), mushrooms, random vegetables (whatever you can find in the bottom of the fridge), garlic, chinese 5 spice, soy sauce, rice wine (or sherry, or fortified wine, or anything else that takes your fancy).
- Cook the noodles as it says on the packing.
- Get a wok hot and put some oil in it (sesame oil is good)
- Chuck the chicken in to the wok.
- Chuck everything else except the noodles into the wok.
- Cook for about 8 minutes (so the salmonella is dead)
- Chuck the noodles into the wok.
- Put some more soy sauce in. You can never have enough soy sauce
- Empty mixture into a pot.
Serve with chopsticks. That will annoy every one.
Start this in September. The oven should be at around 5pm, not too hot at all.
Ingredients: 1/2lb Flour, 1/2lb butter, 1/2lb sugar, a big gob of marmalade, treacle (twice as much as marmalade), 4 eggs, 2lb (ish) of dried fruit, enough glace cherries to satisfy your soul. Pinch of salt, pinch of all spice, pinch of cinnamon. Almonds (if nobody has a nut allergy).
- Sieve the flour and put it in a bowl with the salt, allspice and cinammon.
- Cream the butter and then add in the sugar, marmalade, treacle.
- When that is all mixed up, slowly add in the eggs (beat them first) a bit at a time.
- Then add the flour. Slowly does it. Keep mixing. Never mind the mess you are making, adding the flour is more important.
- Then mix in the fruit and other stuff. Curse slightly because I didn’t tell you to chop the cherries. Take them out, chop them in half and put them back in.
- Put the mix in a cake tin. Line the tin with baking paper first (Do not use clingfilm instead)
- Shove it in the oven for about three hours. Stick a knitting needle into it. If the knitting needle comes out sticky then cook for another 20 minutes. Repeat ad-infinitum (Apparently you can use a skewer instead of a knitting needle).
- Leave to cool.
- Stab the cake repeatedly with your choice of knitting needle or skewer. Then pour brandy over it. Then drink some brandy.
- Wrap cake in tinfoil. Place in an old biscuit tin and put it somewhere safe.
- Every week, on Sunday, just after you’ve put the roast dinner in, get the cake out, admire it, tell it how good it looks and share another glass of brandy with it.
Sometime near Christmas, ask somebody with artistic skills to cover it in marzipan and icing and little snowmen and things like that. Don’t forget those little silver balls made of sugar that are really hard and good for firing at people out of a pea shooter.