Monthly Archives: February 2014

And then she smiled

I thought that I would celebrate world smile day.   I’m on leave, the sun is shining, there is the prospect of an enjoyable afternoon doing exactly as I wish so it seems an obvious thing to do.   The problem is that world smile day seems to be on October 4th according to the internet (and we all know that the internet knows everything), so instead I am celebrating national “If your name begins with R then smile” day (shortened to IYNBWRTS for the sake of my keyboard).

What is it that makes us smile?   I don’t mean a guffaw or a chuckle but just a general happy smile on our face.    It can be anything.   Darling son used to have a beatific smile immediately before filling his nappy.   I am pretty sure that he has grown out of it now and I really don’t want to know if he hasn’t.   I suspect it was some sort of infant joy in the anticipation that he would shortly have his bits out in the open and have the opportunity to wee all over his father.  We’ve always had that sort of relationship.

I started IYNBWRTS with a trip to the supermarket.  Here’s a good game.  Smile at everybody possible.   It has to be a different smile for each person, you can’t just keep the same smile on your face for the entire visit.   For added emphasis you can throw in a nod or a wink too (I don’t recommend winking at anybody who is bigger than you or is of the same sex) and see what happens.   There will be a few confused looks.   There will be some who try to work out where they know you from but the overwhelming majority will smile back and nod (although probably not wink).    You can go on your way safe in the knowledge that for at least some of the people you have smiled at you’ve given them something to think about (even if it is only “That bloke is a nutter”).

I parked up on the High Street and there was a traffic warden eyeing up an errant vehicle (traffic wardens have possibly the worst job in the world.  Nobody loves them, they never get invited to parties and they can only marry other traffic wardens), I smiled at it (you can’t tell what sex the traffic wardens are round here because they whizz around on little mopeds and are bedecked in massive coats and crash helmets), then a toothy grin came back from somewhere deep inside the protective head gear, the parking ticket book was put away and the warden moved on.   My smile has just saved somebody sixty quid.   That’s enough to make anybody smile.

I thought I’d come back and write a little blog about smiling.   Just because.   I know that there is one person at least who reads the blog who probably isn’t smiling at the moment.    It would be good to think that after the little ping in the inbox, she read the post and then she smiled.

 

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Get Rich. Quick.

I love the spell checker available on mobile phones.   They introduce a randomness to conversations that can take one off in an entirely different direction.  I recently received a text from a friend explaining that they were about to get the ironing board out.  The rather amusing spellchecker on their phone decided to tell me that they were in fact going to get out their intoning board.   Oh what joy!  Let us revel.   I (and a nameless other) are going to be rich.

Ladies and gentlemen.  An offer that you cannot refuse.

Now available by mail order.   Delivered direct to your door.   The opportunity that you have been waiting for.

This once in a lifetime offer is guaranteed to bring peace and tranquility into your life.   Where once you floundered in a sea of confusion, when previously you wrestled with the challenges of modern life.   VerbalHedge Inc. brings you the greatest stress relief system since the invention of the kitten.    Tested rigorously to assure you of quality and approved by international regulators TIPSI we are proud to offer you The Intoning Board.

The Intoning Board will:

  • Provide you with inner peace.
  • Wash away the stress of modern life.
  • Give access to higher plains previously only available to high functioning Swami masters.

Don’t just take our word for it.   Take a look at the quality of our professional level intoning board.

Ironing boardAs you can see it is made from top grade aeronautical level aluminum and comes complete with three different coloured intoning platform covers.   The cover shown (blue) is recommended for those stepping out for the first time into intoning.  More experienced practitioners can choose the yellow (not shown) cover and there is a red drape (not shown) for experts.   We would advise against using the red (not shown) shroud until at after at least eight months on the yellow (not shown) cover.  Additionally, every intoning board is fitted as standard with a special plate suitable for holding vegetable juice (other drinks are also available).

How it works

Developed from an ancient prototype recently discovered deep in the bowels of an ancient monastery in a little explored region of Tibet.    The original board is thought to have been a training tool for Samanera to guide them on their path of Vinaya through to Bhikkhu.   It can perhaps be imagined as the literal interpretation of Buddha’s instructions to “live as an island unto one’s self”.

Each of our intoning boards contains a small piece of the “spirit of life”, previously guarded jealously by a troupe of highly trained and reclusive warrior monks who live on a diet of rose petals brought to them by termites.   This exclusive band only agreed to provide the spirit of life once they were guaranteed access to Sky Sports 1 for two hours every day.

The user of the board lays horizontally on it and focuses their energies directly into the soul of the earth.   Once connection is made then by constant intoning the board gradually becomes entwined with the consciousness of the user and rises up through the seven rings of spirituality (not shown).  The traditional intonation of “ohhhhhhmmm” can be supplemented by use of the free app available to all purchasers of the intoning board (iOS and android only, Blackberry users are beyond help).

Where can I get my Intoning Board?

Intoning boards are available through several different purchase routes.   Call our telesales service centre now on 0800 INTONE or visit our website to get a great deal.    Amazon prime users can benefit from our special Mayan bonus deal that includes a free copy of Mayan prophecies up to and including 2012.

That’s not all!  The first 5,000 lucky purchasers will also receive a free DVD on intoning techniques.  The DVD (narrated by Nirishma Gruntakfrtapriso) features the Minogue sisters demonstrating how to intone to red cover standards in 72 easy steps and has additional footage of NASA space shuttle pilots using their Intoning Boards in zero gravity.

Remember! Everybody who purchases an Intoning Board receives a free app (unless you are on Blackberry) to enhance your intoning experience.

The Intoning Board is available for just three simple monthly payments of £199.   You may return your Intoning Board at any time up to the first three days of use providing it has not been unpacked.    Features and specification may differ from those specified.

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