An infallible way to lose weight.

Truly, I struggle with the adverts that seek me out on the internet.

I have a bit of an internet presence.   Not much of one admittedly, I’m no Justin Bieber (he can sing far better than I and I definitely couldn’t have hair like that) but I’ve this blog and the other one (I’ve taken a decision that I’m not going to mention the other site again on this site, it’s a Macbeth thing) and a Facebook profile and a LinkedIn profile and then there’s Instagram and Flikr.   You can’t help but find me if you take a bit of a look.

At the end of this post there is an absolutely infallible way to lose weight.   You can have it free of charge.   Think of it as my contribution to the world of the internet.

The trouble is, advertisers find me and remember me from one site to the next.    I’m sure that you will have noticed that those pesky advertisers do a relatively impressive job of focusing their adverts on what they think you need right now.  If I go onto Amazon and search for, I don’t know, lets say I search for cut glass engravings of the mating ritual of a rhinoceros.   You can guarantee that the next time I open up a web browser the first things that I’m going to see will be referencing slasher rhino porn.

There are also a bunch of adverts that are obviously aimed at me based totally on age.   I should be of an age whereby I’m not likely to be gullible to those crafty internet types suggesting cheap insurance.  I’m mortified that Facebook deems it appropriate to prompt me with adverts for incontinence pads.

The one that gets me most of all though is those bits on the social media (both professional and otherwise) that say “You might know such and such a person”.   How do they know?   Honestly.   My ex, bless her soul.  we have contact through my son.  Our contact is mostly (but not exclusively, we do speak when we meet) “Tell your mum that I’ll see you on Friday” or “Mum says she’s won the lottery and you’re not having any of it”.  You get the picture.  She is listed as someone I may know.     My current beloved does not share a name with me.   We do not email (partially because we have a relationship outside of the internet and partially because she thinks my emails are full or extraneous rubbish that isn’t relevant, lord knows where she got that impression from).     LinkedIn is absolutely desperate that I introduce myself to her.

I’ve just had a thought.  It’s you lot.   When the internet says to me “You might know John Smith”.  It might be you! (I made John Smith up as a name, well, I went to school with a chap called John Smith but I don’t think that everyone who reads my blog is called John Smith.  That would be freaky).   So, next time your internet (my mum is convinced that we all have our own.   She says to me “Rob, did your internet have that video about the funny kitten on it?”) comes up with “Do you know this person?”.  Then it could be me you are looking at.  Say no.   You really don’t need to get involved.

I did promise an infallible method for losing weight.   I bet you thought “He’s going to tell me to eat less”.   Wrong!   Here you go.   The Robby diet in a nutshell.   You can even steal it and pass it on as your own (as long as your name is Robby of course, if not then you have to link back to here).

One pound (that’s just under 1/2 kilogram) is just about the same as 3000 calories.   If you either consume 3000 less calories this week or use up 3000 calories in exercise this week then you will weigh 1lb (or just under half a kilo) less than you did at the start of the week.  You do not need to eat any Raspberry Ketones or click on any “how I lost 20lb in 6 hours” links to achieve this.

A small bag of crisps is about 110 calories.   If you’ve a crisp (or chip if you  can’t speak the language properly) habit then not eating one small bag of your daily intake will put you a third of the way to 1lb a week.

A brisk walk for 20 minutes will also lose you 100 calories (roughly, if you are walking up a hill then it may be more).   When I say brisk, think more of the speed you’d be walking if you’d just got off the bus and needed to get home to have a wee and less of the speed you’d be doing if you were walking through the park arm in arm with your beloved after a pleasant night at the cinema eating a mega-bucket of popcorn.

More sacrilegious by far, a single glass of wine is very roughly around 100 calories.   Cut down your wine intake by 5 bottles a week and you’ve got it sorted.

There you go.  Free from me to you.   If you just do the walking bit then that’s 6lb (or a bit under 3 kilo) before Christmas for 20 minutes a day.

Just out of absolute mischievousness, slasher rhino porn is included as a tag in this post.  I’ll share with you if we get any links from it.


Leave a comment

Filed under rants

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s